7.7.14

H0ly Sh!t It's Nearly My Birthday.








So I just finished school for summer holidays and for the last 3 days I've been in a state of stillness. My unconscious mind is really f*cking sad and my concious mind only just realised it. I don't know. it's really strange. I have very important and exciting things coming up, but for some reason I feel really unprepared even though there isn't really much to prepare for. I feel really unsettled I guess. Anyway, I'm turning 17 in less than a week and I couldn't care less. Birthdays (my own) haven't meant sh*t to me since I was about 13/14 - around the time I started reading up on a lot of existentialism and nihilism based books as well as look into eclectic paganism  - but I feel a lot of pressure to do something this year for some reason and I really don't want to. I used to be a very materialistic person, not in a vain way but I did always expect gifts on holidays and such, and I feel like this 'wanting' is coming back. Maybe it's because I'm 16, jobless and so sick of being surrounded by unreasonable and overprotective people 24/7, that I crave independence that even I know I'm not ready for. But I find myself expecting something this year, I thought I'd totally grown out of that mind state...but I do. The strange thing is...I don't expect money or clothes or shoes, I'm just hoping that for the first time in my life I might receive something sentimental, just to prove that people do "know" who I am. And although I have the most amazing best friend who supports me in my beliefs, dreams and actually takes the time out of her day to actually think of 'who I am' and 'what I'd love'...I just wish my family would think the same way. IT SUCKS BEING A F*CKING TEENAGER.

VA x E&N

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